It's Deadpool's Planet, You Just Live On It
by Captain Deadpool
Summary: This is a remake of Final Fantasy VII, Deadpool Remix. The basic plot's still the same, but I've done different jokes and I've given it a more serious tone, but it's still mostly light hearted. Just expect some deep stuff, too. M for violence and language
1. Deadpool Goes to Church

When Cyclops opened the door to his plush office in the X-Mansion, he had no idea what was in store for him. That idiot, Deadpool, had been calling him all day begging to join the X-Men. Why couldn't that thick headed moron get it through his skull? You didn't just ASK to join the X-Men. It's just not how it works.

He takes exactly one step into his office before being tackled back into the hallway and on the ground by a red and black, 210 lb, 6"2 blur.

"Please? Pretty please? Pretty please with sugar on top?" begged Deadpool, who is also known as the Merc-with-a-Mouth, as he was clings to Cyclops' waist.

"Deadpool, get off of me! People are watching!" and indeed, a crowd of students are starting to gather in the halls.

"Let 'em watch! I don't care!" Deadpool didn't even ease his bear hug. Scott struggled with all his might, but he could not break free.

"Stop!," he pleaded, "Why are you doing this?"

"You know why I'm doing this, and you know how to make it stop!"

"The day you join the X-Men is the day I die, you blubbering retard!"

"Oh, please. Blubbering retard? That all you got? And you don't want to talk about the day you die with an assassin. Just isn't a smart-" Deadpool was cut off by two powerful arms covered with blue fur. They pried his arms from around Cyclops and put them behind his back, then they slammed him against the wall. These arms happened to belong to one Dr. Henry McCoy.

"You gentlemen really should get a room for this sort of thing. Think of the example you're setting for the children," most of the students who had shown up to see what the fuss was about started laughing at the Beast's joke.

"What's up, doc? How are Spock and Kirk doing on the Enterprise? Cyclops said that I'm a X-Man now and we're on the same squad! Isn't that great?"

Hearing that, Cyclops immediately shook off the pain and lept to his feet.

"You are not now, nor will you ever be, a X-Man! Never! Do you understand?"

"If you keep talking like that, you might give me the impression that you don't enjoy my company, and that just isn't true, is it?"

Cyclops', and I swear that this is the Gospel truth, face turned bright red. His hand reached up to his visor's release button, and for a terrible moment every student in the whole hallway thought he was going to fire. While they didn't give two shits about Deadpool, they did care about Dr. McCoy who was still restraining Deadpool and would be caught in the blast. Fortunately for all parties involved, Scott remembered that shooting the Beast isn't worth blasting Deadpool to kingdom come and lowered his hand.

"Deal with this scum as you see fit, Doctor. I'm sick of looking at him," he turned to the students and said, "Go back to your rooms, there's nothing to see here!"

The students left the scene as quickly as they could and Cyclops went into his office, slamming the door behind himself, leaving only the Beast and Deadpool in the hallway.

"Deadpool, if I let you go, do you promise not to cause any more trouble?"

"Nope."

The Beast sighed.

"Then you've brought this upon yourself," and with that, he calmly threw Deadpool out of the nearest window.

As Deadpool lay there on his back, healing from his fall, he couldn't help but notice how pretty the early night sky was. It was only nine o' clock at night.

It did not take our hero long to recover from his three story fall. Once he could walk again, his moment of peace over with, he mosied on over to the nearest bush and retrieved a medium-sized package. Inside were explosives. Little did those foolish X-men know that they had played right into his hands! Deadpool took out his cell phone and dialed his best nearly-friend Weasel to report his success.

"Wade, this is stupid. It's going to end badly, I just know it."

"Don't be a pussy, Weasel. You're starting to sound like Bob. This will end in a big boom, is how it will end, and that's good enough for me. I'm proud to say phase one of operation "Blow Cyclops' Car to Itty Bitty Bits" is complete. I nicked his car keys when I tackled him," if it was considered bad by polite society, Deadpool could probably do it and do it well. That means he can pickpocket with the best of them.

"Why do you need the car keys? I thought you were going to blow it up, not drive it."

"Well, I figured it would have an alarm, so I needed that little doohickey that turns a car alarm off. Knowing him, it's one of those fancy sports cars. I need you to prep my bodyslide, cause when this thing blows it's gonna be loud."

Cyclops happens to keep his car in a special garage, separated from all of the others. Deadpool unlocks the door to this garage with one of the other keys on the ring, and presses a button that deactivates the alarm on Cyclops' red sports car.

Charges were placed in strategic locations around and on the vehicle. With manic glee he ran out of the garage door closing it behind him. After getting a safe distance away, he activated the charges.

What happened next was chaos. The roof of the garage was blown off, the four walls(the garage was separate from the rest of the mansion) were nearly incinerated, and the flames danced on the grass as the sprinkler system struggled to put them out. Deadpool cackled with delight at the glorious destruction he had caused.

"Mwahahahaha! Phew, that was fun. Now it's time to make myself scarce," he dialed Weasel again, "Weasel? I need a bodyslide by one, please and thank you."

"Bodyslide prepped. Cleared to proceed."

"Then I guess there's only one thing left to say... BODYSLIDE BY ONE!" the device in his belt started to hum, and then... nothing. It just kept humming.

"Maybe you didn't hear me. I said, 'BODYSLIDE BY ONE'! BODY SLIDE BY ONE YOU FUCKING MACHINE! Please?" The alarms were sounding and soon he'd have a hundred X-Men up his ass, and all his teleportation device was doing was hum!

"What's going on?"

"I don't know! It's some kind of interference, but I can't imagine what could do it. I honestly think you should abort the bodyslide and start running now," Deadpool just shook his head.

"I can maybe run thirty miles per hour at my best, but some of those X-Butt holes can fly. Can you clear the interference?"

"I think so- but I'm not sure if I can control where you're going."

"I'll be fine, Weas. I never know where I'm going, and somehow at the end of the day I'm always breathing. See ya around," he hung up his cell, and then promptly disappeared.

--

In the run down church, where she kept a flower garden, Aeris felt very alone. She sat there, soaking up the silence of the long dead house of worship and thought about her world. She lived in, or rather under, Midgar, the greatest city on Gaia. In the slums, it didn't seem so great. She was one of the lucky ones. She had a home and some one who loved her, but what about the less fortunate? Those who had to steal and kill to survive?

"I wish the world had a hero..." she said. Perhaps to The Planet, perhaps to her flowers. Ms. Gainsburough was about to learn that you should be careful about using the "W" word.

For what should fall out of the 'sky' than one Wade Winston Wilson, who just happened to teleport twenty feet above her flower patch.

"GERONIMO!" a startle Aeris looked up to see him fall gracelessly and land with a big thud. She grabbed her metal staff that was lying near by and prepared for a fight. When you are a young woman living in the slums, you don't drop you guard. Especially around strange men.

"Phew! That cleared my sinuses, let me tell ya!" he then noticed the little girl pointing the blunt metal pole at him, "You might want to put that down little lady, you might poke some body's eye out."

WHACK! She gave as hard blow to the noggin' as she could. To Deadpool, it wasn't even a love tap.

"Monster!"

"Monster!" he mocked, "You might hurt your little metal stick if you keep hitting me with such poor form. I would say you hit like a girl, but I know a lot of 'girls' that could toss me across an ocean. You ain't one of them."

She then ran away screaming. For the life of him, Deadpool couldn't figure out why. Then he felt a draft.

"What the-? I'm completly naked!"

**Captain's Log- Star Date: Unknown**

**So is this better or worse than the original? I'm trying to make this one a bit more realistic. Currently in the market for a beta, if anybody's interested.**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Final Fantasy VII or related properties, I do not own Deadpool and all related Marvel properties. _


	2. Surprise!

"Wait, if I'm naked, then..." he used both of his hands to feel for it on his face, but it was gone. His mask was missing. To Deadpool it wasn't just a tool to cover up his scarred face, it _was _his face. How would you feel if your face was missing?

He surveyed his surroundings in slight panic for anything he could use to replace his mask- anything would do in a pinch. Unfortunately, the church had long been abandoned and looted. Nothing made of cloth, plastic, or anything else that he could use to cover his face. Desperate for cover, he settles on hiding between two splintering church pews. What would all those other costumed adventurers think of him sitting there in his birthday suit with his arms wrapped around his legs shivering in irrational panic and fear?

To be quite honest, Deadpool didn't give a damn. What he did care about was that somebody saw him without a mask.

"I'll never see that girl again," he told himself, "And even if I do, it won't matter. I don't need a mask, I don't need a mask, I don't need a mask, I do not need a mask, I do not need a mask, I, Deadpool, Wade Wilson, do not need a damn mask!"

He breathed in and he breathed out, and slowly he started to calm down. Deadpool wasn't as bad about letting people see his face as he once was. By that I mean he wouldn't kill you if you accidentally saw it. Very few people can have a comfortable conversation with Deadpool when his face is uncovered, and the majority of them are blind.

"No one's here," Deadpool kept talking to drive away the silence, "I'll just stay here, and Weasel will come get me, where ever I am. It was sort of funny the way she screamed and whacked me on the head," he let out a nervous chuckle, "She wasn't my type anyway!"

"Hey Rude! Did you hear that?"

"It didn't sound like the girl..."

"No shit, but whoever it is might know where she is. Might as well check it out."

Deadpool heard this conversation coming through the big old church doors. If those guys came through, they could spot him easily just by walking by! Thinking quickly, Deadpool rushes to get beside the door, so that when they open it, he'll be hidden behind it and out of sight. Rude, a tall bald guy, kicks the door in, and Reno, some skinny dude with a bad red spiky haircut, saunters in like he knows what he's doing.

"Hellooo? Is anybody home? Coast is clear buddy. Guess we were just hearing things, huh?"

Instead of a reply, Reno heard Rude's body thump to the ground. He drew his pistol from his side and spun around, but found nothing except for Rude lying face down on the ground. A bruise was starting to form on the back of his bald head.

"Who's there?" he exclaimed.

He slowly edged toward his friend and fellow Turk, his finger ready to pull the trigger at a moments notice. When he knelt down to see if Rude was still among the living. As he did, he felt a hard blow impact his own skull, and he joined his friend on the ground. The last thing he heard before he completely lost consciousness was Deadpool's deep, raspy voice say:

"No, no, no, you've got it all wrong! You're supposed to wait untill I say 'Knock, knock'!"

Reno picked a bad day to go to church, didn't he?

* * *

**Captain's Log: Even though it's short, I like how this turned out. To make up for it, I hope to post an extra chapter next week. No promises. I'd like to give special thinks to Matt the Batman Fan. Hopefully this is what you meant by a peak into Wade's head. Read his story 'Misfits' if you're even remotely interested in Batman. You owe it to yourself.**

**For those of you who want to know what happens when you catch Deadpool on a bad day, the next chapter is for you.**


End file.
